May Angels Lead You In

Things sure have been quiet around here, haven't they? But then again, that's life for you. Everyday in our lives we have all these things we mean to get done, all these diverse and wonderful ideas to pursue and so many of them get pushed to the back burner. And then sometimes they never get brought back to the heat. And things change so fast, sometimes we can't ever go back to them.

My friend Desiree died this week of cancer. She was 25 years old. It had been a really long time since we spoke. Not that there was anything wrong or we were fighting, but we just sort of drifted apart. I moved to Western Massachusetts right when she moved to Providence, Rhode Island and we lost touch. We exchanged emails and instant messages now and then, I visited a few times, she got a new boyfriend and I got a girlfriend and.... you know, life happens. It was a few months ago when I found out she was sick. I really didn't know to what extent she was sick, only that she'd been diagnosed and was going in for chemotherapy. I talked to her briefly a few times and gave her my sincerest wishes. Over the next few months I heard updates and things were mixed. A lot of ups and downs. Things like cancer are so frightening in their ambiguity. Things can go from good to bad quickly and without warning. In August, when I left for the Navy, I had heard she was doing better. Things, while not looking perfect, were looking positive. There seemed reason to be optimistic.

It wasn't until I was out of boot camp and back in touch with everyone that I learned through a friend she had gotten a lot worse. She was very weakened from the chemotherapy and she started having seizures. A few times she had been rushed to the ER and things were up in the air. She would drift in and out of consciousness for days and be heavily drugged to keep her as comfortable as possible. Then last week she seemed to be doing a little better and they sent her home, not knowing what was going to happen but for the time being having done all they could.

Then one night she simply stopped breathing. My friend Julie was there and watched her die. She would make these gurggling sounds while sleeping due to the drugs and her condition and after a while it can get a little unnerving and emotional to be around someone in so much pain. Julie stepped outside to compose herself and when she went back in Desiree had stopped breathing. Her and Desiree's family tried to wake her up and bring her around but she wasn't responding. They called an ambulance but I think she was pronounced dead when they arrived.

I don't mean to drag this out. I guess what I'm trying to get at as I go through this whole ordeal in my mind is how things get away from us and we lost track of them and so often it's too late to get them back. I had no idea the last time I saw Desiree it really would be for the last time. And I thought someone as young and vital as she would overcome cancer. I had much hope.

I'm 500 miles away from everyone I love and now another one of my friends is dead. These things don't stop. People will never stop dying. My friends will die. My mother and father will die. My sisters will die. I will die. And what I also wonder is this: If death leads us to God, if, when we die, our souls transcend existence and we become part of this ethereal, otherworldly thing we collectively know as "Heaven", why am I still so sad? Why does it crush me to think about how wasteful it is to die when you're 16, like my cousin Alyssa, or 21, like my friend Justin, or 25, like Desiree? Do I grieve for myself? Do I grieve for the loss of their lives or my loss of them, or both?

Jesus wept. We all know the story of Lazarus, and a lot of us know the Rob Bell reference applied to it: if the son of God is so moved by death, then how can we not be? I'm still wrestling with this very much, about how a God so many see as interventionist can allow such terrible things and yet feel sadness in its presence. If God is everything, then God is life and also death, and God is sorrow as well as hope and faith. The contradictions confuse me utterly. Rationality breaks down and all becomes chaos to me. All I know for certain is my friend is dead and I will never see her again.

Suffering

"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God." -Aeschylus

I came across this quote just a moment ago and knew I needed to mull it over.

I have often heard the question, "If there is a God, then why is there suffering in this world?" There are definitely many answers to this question, and I think Aeschylus has hit one of them.

Without suffering people would not learn about themselves, about others, about the world, and about God. It is through suffering that we gain insight unto our character. We learn and grow through suffering.

One of my best friends is going through a very hard time right now. His name is John. John has ulcerative colitis and recently got his large intestine removed to help cure him of this disease. Since this major surgery John's health has not been good, and he has been in and out of the hospital as a result. (Please take a moment to check out John's website, johnstummy.com).

As you can imagine, John is going through some pretty intense suffering. I talked to him just yesterday and he told me that he is grateful for the whole experience. John stated that he has never felt closer to God. He says he learned more about himself, the people in his life, and about God.

I am very inspirited by listening to my good friend talk about how much he learned through his suffering. Without John's medical troubles he would not be the amazing person that he is today. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy that John went through all this suffering, but I'm happy that he found meaning in it.

That is exactly what Aeschylus is saying. When we a going through a hard time, God is meaning for us to gain knowledge from it. I know this seems hard point to swallow when you are in a troubled time, but we must gain wisdom from our suffering. Otherwise, what is the point?

General Revelation

I've been thinking more and more about a God of general revelation. Sometimes, when I look at nature I can see God reflecting back at me. Which makes sense, if God made it all, His fingerprints have got to be all around.

Chris and I were talking a few weeks ago. We were thinking about Abraham. I wondered why, of all the people He could pick from, did God choose Abraham? We know that during Abraham's time that the main religious atmosphere was polytheistic - many gods to choose to worship. People actually had ceremonies to encourage their gods to "hump like rabbits," so that their crops would prosper. I wonder what attending those ceremonies would have been like. Anyway, Chris and I started talking about all this. And we realized, perhaps God choose Abraham because Abraham saw God's fingerprints.

Abraham was able to took past all this idolatry, all these gods, all these false ceremonies, to see the one true Creator of us; of everything around us.

I have to wonder if I could do the same in Abraham's place. I get so distracted sometimes. I get so caught up sometimes, in making sure my schoolwork is done, in making sure I see the latest episode of my favorite TV show, in making sure I don't melt in the Florida heat; that I miss the Creator that is all around me.

That makes me sad. But luckly, sometimes, I have those moments when I feel the wind wisp past my ears, when I feel sunshine hit my eyelids, when I see a new animal that I've never some across before; these are the moments I too can see God's fingerprints.

I'm infinitely lucky that I worship a Creator that shows Himself to me, even when I don't pay attention like I should. I'm lucky that sometimes I can glimpse at what Abraham must have seen.

NBC TV

So NBC started it's new season last night. HEROES is back, baby! And boy, was it great. In anticipation, I watch the show preceding Heroes, which was awful. Chuck is a really awful show. But, NBC didn't mess it all up. JourneyMan was also... scrumtrillescent. Really. Now, it's possible I might have loved it because I love time travel (I admit, I liked the "Lake House..."). But, it's also safe to say that the show was really great. They got a lot done in an hour. I like that. But I digress. Check out the preview yourself.

Leap Over a Wall: Surface - Part Three

This post is part three of a continuing series of reflections that coincide with Eugene Peterson's Leap Over A Wall. This particular entry has been written after reading Chapters 5 & 6.

There's a concept that took me a very long time to grasp. As a singular being, I am familiar with my own feelings, and none other. My thoughts, my emotions, and my self: these things are all within my reach. Mine alone. I cannot feel what someone else feels. I cannot know what someone else thinks. These things have been hidden from me. Growing up, and feeling emotion as strongly as I did, I could not understand why others could not feel my feelings as strongly as I did. Surely, my mother understood my anguish at not having the newest Ninja Turtle action figure, didn't she? Or what about the suffering I felt when I was punished for my actions? My thoughts are always running through my head. They have and will always consume me, and only me.
And this condition is what distinguishes my relationship with humans from my relationship with God. Every thought, every emotion, every inner wisp of desire is shared with God. Our human individuality is both something of wonder and something of disaster. We have a secret self, a person we can rarely ever share, because that person is shared only with God. But we also have a surface self. In Leap Over a Wall, Eugene Peterson writes,

“Each of us has contact with hundreds of people who never look beyond our surface appearance. We have dealings with hundreds of people who the moment they set eyes on us begin calculating what use we can be to them, what they can get out of us. We meet hundreds of people who take one look at us, make a snap judgment, and slot us into a category so that they won't have to deal with us as persons. They treat us as something less than we are; and if we're in constant association with them, we become less.” pg. 54

He goes on to explain the beauty that is found in friendship. It is, in my opinion, a glimpse of Eden – and the way things should have been. Jesus himself treasured his friendships, going so far as to say (and show) friendship is worth dying for. Jonathon loved David “as his own soul.” it is a strange thing that the deepest and truest friendships begin to share qualities shown in our relationship with God. It is a rare and beautiful thing when one human being can look beneath the surface and see the secret self within another human being. It is a holy thing, a sacred relationship that is shared with God Himself.